This is a running log for the Bilson family, written mostly by the ship’s captain (me). It’s in Facebook-style order to share with those who care what we’re up to these days.
Below are logs from the past six months. See the archive at the bottom of the page to view any log.
Amie and I finished “Catcher in the Rye” last night. I never would have made it through to the end without Amie’s encouragement!
For most of the book I thought, “wow, I guess this is a classic because it’s colloquial? Definitely not because it’s interesting!” I wouldn’t have caught the twist on the last page if Amie hadn’t pointed it out. And just like that, a terrible book becomes a thought-provoking novel. Impressive!
I don’t recommend it per se, but there are some who will enjoy the masterful grasp on the interior dialog of depression.
First, I’ve known for a few years I have the acumen and motivation for doctoral research. I’d read Umberto Eco’s seminal work on the topic, How To Write a Thesis, a few years ago and have been pondering thesis ideas ever since. As a man, a father and a model, I feel it’s imperative to go as far as I am capable with the time and ability given me.
Second, I’ve been a practitioner in the disciple-making movement space for over twelve years. In this time, my commitment to the principles and confidence of its relevance for the Church in the USA has only burned hotter. I want to do my part to push the legitimacy of DMM for our context, and adding my doctoral thesis to the subject of modern movements is a powerful way to do so.
Third, I anticipate that further influence among church leaders requires more evidence of my expertise than my résumé. A doctoral thesis in my subject has the greatest chance to open more doors and minds in my middle years.
Amie and I took a blitz trip to Denver for a Regina Spektor concert. What happened in Denver far exceeds the swift turnaround, however.
We visited Matthew, Michelle, Tommy, Jaq and Hezekiah. We didn’t drive back to our hotel until 0200! Besides abundant laughter and catching up, we also discovered that Matthew and Michelle are facilitating a DBS group and actively starting more. It was a surreal experience to have DBS pitched to us, since we’ve been the advocates for the past 12 years.
The concert was far beyond my hopes. Regina started by reciting Mr. Rogers’ song about liking you just the way you are. She played a wide selection of her work (all of which I’ve memorized by now) and I discovered so much more about her art and perspective by hearing her in person. Amie said it best - her child-like freedom and playfulness is beautiful and so spiritually deep.
The boys stayed home and went camping with Grandma. They had an ecstatic time playing, swimming, eating, and rodeoing,
Since my last log we’ve all been to Chicago for a week and to Rimrock Family Camp. It’s not felt overly hectic, and somehow we’ve avoided obvious illness (astounding!), but full enough that I’ve only just began to look past the next three days. We have one more trip next weekend - a Regina Spektor concert - and then the summer activities are, I think, wrapped up.
We’re in prep mode for our trip to De Smet and Sioux Falls. We still need sufficient snacks and meals for the first two days, and there’s some packing to do, but our general itinerary is set. I’m not feeling particularly eager about the trip at the moment; mostly because we’ve just begun that time of year when my allergies ambush me mercilessly.
Ours is a journey towards maturity, towards wholeness. As we become more whole our sense of identity steadies. How much anguish is caused by insecurity!
Yet the anguish of insecurity prods us to seek validating relationship. Perhaps validation in relationship with humans or animals. A Christian learns to seek it in prayer to the Father.
One who moves towards wholeness craves validation less and from better sources. An insecure teen may seek validation in relationships which are harmful and self-destructive but will become more discerning and less recklessly driven as they mature. A Christian who craves validation from the Father has found the source par-excellence and needs never find another. However, such a one’s motivations shift as insecurity diminishes.
When I was a younger man, how much of my anguished prayer was birthed of insecurity! But it will not do to live forever in uncertainty; I must become whole. The formulas to which I once clung to diminish my pain are less practiced without the nipping hounds of insecurity to drive me into them (though my past motives are never a subject of certainty).
Wholeness leads toward freedom, or choice untainted by insecurity. The whole individual, as in the case of the Christ, is constrained only by one’s own delight of others and riches of character. He chooses relationship with the Father and those he meets solely because he chooses. He is who he is. And so also must we become if we are to be his companion/ally/suitable helper/bride. [Gen 2:20] #WalkingMusings
In my experience, transition from insecurity towards wholeness provokes disconcerting feelings. The release of false motivation is like loosing one’s boat from a sure anchor to drift into misty waters in search of another anchor-spot. Courage is essential. At this present stage I possess the courage, but I wish the grappling-hook attraction of a treasure hunt, the insecurity-hound’s opposite.
Graham, Royal and I visited a local bike shop to explore buying a new bike for Graham. I’d thought to just explore and purchase later, but Graham took so well to this Specialized bike that we walked away with it.
I’ve been so proud of Graham’s persistence in practicing gear shifting and handlebar brakes and his generous spirit and encouragement for Royal, and proud of Royal’s lack of jealousy towards Graham and his tenacity in practicing to pedal Graham’s blue Strider bike (which was a much harder transition for Graham than gears and brakes have been).
I’ve agreed to join a summer DnD campaign with my neighbor Dominic Cossi and his family! I’ve been surprised how much I’ve enjoyed thinking up a backstory for my character (modeled after an amalgamation of characters in Stormlight Archives). I’m thinking this’ll be a good outlet for my budding interest in amateur acting, he he.
I’ve been reading the Silverlight Archive series by Brandon Sanderson. I’m on his latest, Wind & Truth. While working on our garden this evening while the boys were with Amie doing “quiet time” before bed, I finally put language to one of my favorite parts of Sanderson’s writing. His characters experience immense external stress and even greater internal anguish from their various mental ailments (acute depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, multiple-personality disorder, and Asperger’s to name a few), but following their lives over the course of multiple books gives the reader a chance to observe them mature through their struggles. This, in turn, invites personal reflection on the ways that I’ve matured through the course of my life also which offers hope for future growth.
My mom (or Memaw to the boys) stayed with us over Spring Break!
Between my work schedule and Amie’s, my mom spent most of the first three days just with Graham and Royal. It’s hard even to remember in the whirlwind, although there was lots of laughter on the other side of my office door.
Thursday we set out for the Badlands. Although it was chilly (and later snowed), we were glad that we went. We stopped at the historic Wall Drug on the way home to pick up some souvenirs.
My mom’s United flight was cancelled on Friday so she was able to stay through Saturday morning. It turned out great since we hadn’t had a chance to go fishing yet! Although we didn’t catch anything (hard to do at 11:00 in the afternoon) I was happy we didn’t miss that opportunity.
My mom’s visiting over the boy’s Sprung Break. She flew in Monday morning and returns to Kansas Friday afternoon.
The first half of the visit is a whirlwind. I have the last two days off of work, but these first three are full days. Amie will be working Thursday, so that’s the first time that I’ll be 100% around. We’re considering a trip to the Bad Lands.
We were hoping to set up a girl’s trip with Laura Doo this summer. They tossed ideas back-and-forth for a few weeks, narrowing down their requirements, until it became clear that three points were crucial: 1) it must be cost-effective, and 2) it must be all-inclusive, 3) it must be less than a week. Turns out there’s not much that fits all three categories.
I’ve done something terrible today. Tragic. I accidentally deleted Graham’s most populated Minecraft world 😬. He’s probably going to kill me. So long real world…
I’ve been reading Jerome Berryman’s “Godly Play: An Imaginative Approach to Religious Education.” It was lent to me by Natalie as a resource for figuring out how to teach our boys about the Bible. I’m going to need to transfer my notes to a plant page at some point; there’s so much here to think about. My two favorite parts about this recommendation is that it grows from a Montessori teaching model (which fits Graham’s educational journey) and it thinks deeply about early childhood formation.
I’ve been impressed by this description of the Creative Process. Though I can’t figure out quite where Mr. Berryman’s got it from, it matches with the implicit process of a well-facilitated DBS group.
Opening to wonder. Can be hard (tragedy) or soft (curiosity).
Scanning. The dissonance between current frame of meaning and a discovery while wondering. Pre-language.
Insight. Put the feelings and mental shift into words and images.
Articulation. Communicate the insight to others for validation and feedback.
Amie and I had an amazing lunch at Mexico Tipico for my birthday, then a special dinner at my favorite restaurant, Skogen Kitchen, for dinner. The rest of the time I was eating apple pie - a lovely foodie birthday. I also ordered Amie and I tickets to a Regina Spektor concert in August!
Turns out all that digging as a child has paid off in adulthood. I didn’t expect the hole to need to be so deep to get this silly bush out, but it’s funny to watch the boys disappear into the earth.
Today I had a joyful time discussing Amie and I’s goals and desires for our boy’s spiritual formation with a couple leaders at Westminster. Ostensibly under the auspice of consulting on the topic of youth ministry, our conversation ranged longer on the subjects of a parent’s responsibility for their children’s spiritual development (and associated guilt), the different needs of various age groups, the effect of trauma on relational connection with Jesus, and the pitfalls of hypocrisy. I came hoping to offer some support as a consultant by listening well and clarifying purpose, but I walked away receiving support and encouragement (and three borrowed books!).
Royal woke with croup at 11:00 last night. After trying the usual moist/cold air combo it was clear he wasn’t going to be sleeping. He’d vomited his dinner and was struggling to draw breath. So I drove him to the ER.
The staff at the ER were very helpful, but it’s always a long process. After three hours we’d gotten him an epinephrine nebulizer and a dose of Prednisone with a prescription for more. We were home by 2:30 this morning.
I started work an hour late and left an hour early, but somehow still managed to get some work done. Now I’m filling Royal’s prescription and then we’ll have a movie night. Excited to watch Mufasa again!
It’d been so long since I’d written anything on the log that I didn’t realize that my publishing system was broken. It’s really set up to only go one year at a time without manual intervention. Maybe I should fix that…
I’m having a bit of a freeze. What do I write about? I mean, the purpose of this is to post life updates but I’m not even sure what to say. There is so much going on, and at the same time nothing that’s really that exciting. I guess I really want to have something remarkable to report. It’s funny because I still haven’t published anything about our trip to Italy.
I’ve read the entire Laura Ingalls Wilder series with Graham and Royal. We’ve decided to start on White Fang, and we just finished it last night. Graham is ready to read just about anything that is concrete at this point, even things for which the material is a little over his head.
Royal hasn’t shown much propensity for reading books at this point, but we’ve just made a new discovery that is working really well for us. Audiobooks. We are going through the adventures of Winnie the Pooh right now, and it’s absolutely wonderful. The reader is from the BBC, and he has a wonderful voice and is really excellent at reading the book.
Amie and I are on the second to last book of the Harry Potter series. This may be the first time that I’ll read the entire series from start to finish. I’d read the first five books back when I was a teenager, but I hadn’t read the ones that were published after I joined the military - the last two. I’m finding that my interest in them grows as we get deeper in. You and I have had several discussions about the nature of emotions and children’s literature. I’m more inclined to believe that very young children can handle complex emotions in books. I’ve noticed that the Harry Potter series pretty much eradicates all emotions in the main characters for the first three or four books. I think this is a weakness of Rowling’s approach, since it actually removes one of the most interesting parts of the story, namely how the protagonist is responding to the challenges he faces. In contrast, I really appreciate how CS Lewis offers very complex emotional situations in his book The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, such as betrayal, fear, courage, and honor.
