Prayer from 2022

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On rare occasions I'll write out a prayer, such as when it's hard to figure out my own heart. This was one of those times, here recorded in memoriam.

Jesus,

I feel dead inside. The passions that sometimes take me are like that quote, “all sound and fury, signifying nothing.” There are stories of pastors and businesspeople who burnt out and discovered something better, but I haven’t even done anything yet.

When I was a boy, maybe five or six, I used to dig a hole. For hours. I’d work out at the mound, digging into a deep pile of refuse clay and rock. I never knew why–I wasn’t headed for China or searching for buried treasure. As I sit here in this hole I’ve dug, perhaps I can remember.

I feel safe here. The walls hide me from the world and dampen sound. It’s still, no wind, and calm. From my vantage, eye-level with the earth, my view aligns with my feelings of smallness and insignificance.

Father, I want to live a significant life. Really, I want to prove by my life that I am significant. My heart casts about, searching other’s stories for a saga that I might wear, that will fit me and show my life in significant. Each story I’ve worn doesn’t fit correctly, and the discomfort and torn clothes lead me onward to another set.

Why did you find me, Jesus? Will you come find me again?