Seeking a job change

The Fear That Won’t Let Me Sleep

I’ve been sick all week, but that’s not why I can’t sleep. Fear keeps my mind running long past my body’s need for rest.

I fear losing my job. Many technology companies, from Microsoft to Google, have laid off thousands of employees. Speculation is rampant, ranging from poor management to union busting to recession planning. But whether blame is laid on the economy or the CEO, the effect on my own security is the same.

Some make themselves indispensible by knowing an esoteric corner of their software beyond anyone at their company. Except for one small program we inherited that’s in a language I’m more familiar with than my peers, I have carefully integrated all my work in ways that my team can easily pick up without me. This is both by process, for I cannot finish anything without peer review, by design, because I will not conscientiously write software that’s purpose is not for the business and the craft, and by temperment, for my curiosity moves me to new subjects faster than an esoteric knowledge of one subject demands.

Others make themselves indispensible through social ties. But, though I’ve become more social with marriage and age, I’m still an awkward team member. I lack the wit of my peers, who banter on corporate social media throughout the day, and often miss the jokes. It’s hard to compete with friendships that started in High School anyways. And now that I am not only remote but also out of state, my social opportunities have been reduced to once per year at best, which makes me more an outsider than before.

Yet others make themselves indispensible by their impossible work output. The salaried worker who puts in 80 hours a week is unlikely to be replaced by a newcomer content with 40 hours, even were the newcomer’s salary diminished. But the feeling of responsibility to Lord and family divides my attention, not to mention the extra sick days from the kiddos.

So, if I cannot make myself indispensible by esoterism because of temperment and conscience, nor by social ties because of temperment and location, nor by output because of responsibility, then I am unavoidably dispensible.

My work responsibilities do not give positive signals either. When I was first hired I was given exclusive ownership of a lengthy project. Another project of half the size was offered after. Then I inherited a project from another team in a different programming language. But for many weeks now my responsibilities have been as add-on to my teammate’s projects and as a maintenance all-in-one. No new project which requires my blend of software consulting, analysis, and development have been forthcoming.

I have been direct with my manager that I need to find a new position to offer my greatest value. My business skills are not being utilized and I have a broader array of technical skills than can be realized in maintenance mode. And, although positive signals have come from my manager about finding me a new position, I am painfully conscious how tenuous promises from middle managers can be.

The Story To This Point

This is the story that’s brought me to this point.

Not many months before the COVID pandemic, I lost my job of five years in an excruciating conflict with my management. I could not comprehend that they might be acting in bad faith to kick me out of the company. Instead of taking the hint, I diligently, desperately attempted to satisfy their every demand. It was a heavy blow when I realized that I had not met their expectations, only slightly softened when I discovered by sharing my stories with others that such a task was impossible. I had a one-year-old son and another on the way.

Thanks to the mercy of a timely referral I began a consulting gig in just a few weeks. Unfortunately my manager had never been in people management before and made several painful mistakes. Finally, when the COVID pandemic started I was laid off because the CEO had a strong anti-remote bias and expected new gigs to drop precipitously. The timing was a mercy, however, for the company offered no paternity leave and my second son had just been born.

Another merciful referral later and I started my current position.

After multiple transitions you might expect that I would have greater confidence that “It’ll all work itself out.” But my expenses have never been greater, my youngest is often in the doctor’s office and I live in a technology wasteland. Nonetheless, it is helpful to remember this journey and the testament it has been to me of the continued mercy of Jesus on my life. I used to have faith only that he would give enough for my needs, then for my wife and I, and now I need faith for me, my wife and our two boys also.

After all, have I really become so deeply in need that I threaten to exhaust God’s riches? Or are my circumstances too complex for the Lord to navigate? Or am I now outside of the Father’s family, such that I can no longer hope for his tender care and gracious provision? Don’t be ridiculous Alex!

As my Father has been ever present through every transition, so he will provide what we need for the next. I can sense that a change is on the horizon and I balk, but I forget with whom I walk towards that horizon. He is faithful to give enough.

The Hidden Shame And The Prayer

Ah, but there’s the rub. It’s not the provision, it’s the shame. To lose my job is to prove that I’m not valuable, or at least less valuable than my peers. No matter how I try to bolster myself, I cannot shake the sense that I am not worth the money or the effort to keep on. I derive the majority of my sense of value from private valuation of my work and the praise of my peers. If I hold my work as of little value and the praise of my peers is weak or silent, the fear of shame is not far behind. Call it insecurity or imposter’s syndrome; either way, it’s crippling.

Father, I am eager for a change, but my motives are impure. I wish a change that will prove to myself once again that I contribute something of value. I am capable of more, and so I do ask that you open a door of opportunity to contribute at greater capacity and for greater purpose than today. However, I lack wisdom. I cannot trust my request isn’t an endless chase for validation which belongs in you alone, no matter how I might organize justifications to the contrary. Father, the kingdom of your Son is my hope and aim; may your will be done.