How to enforce obedience

I received this thoughtful question in response to a log about obedience and independence.

In addition, here’s a link to a Tim Challies article titled 3 Reasons Children Need to Obey Their Parents.

For me there are two burning questions: how do we teach children to be obedient, and what kind of parent is Tim addressing?

Teaching Obedience

First, let’s review how Tim thinks parents teach children to obey. I think a quote from Bryan Chapell at the end of his article presents a summary, “If we love our children too much to require them to do what is right, then we have not really loved them enough.” There’s also an underlying thought here; that the LORD himself demonstrates his love through enforced obedience. I particularly want to challenge the latter conclusion by asking, “How does God require obedience?,” but let’s keep looking at Tim’s writing.

I dug through Tim’s archives for a few minutes and unearthed two additional articles that I found helpful: Momentary Obedience, Forever Honor and Use the Rod, Lose the Child?

I found several synonyms to the word “require” in these articles, such as “enforce,” “force,” and “demand.” Tim uses strong language, but that doesn’t mean he advocates abusive forms of power. In fact, he believes his readers already know that he doesn’t mean “anger-filled beatings but restrained, physical discipline that is done out of love and never tips into abuse” (Use the Rod, Lose the Child?). His use of provocative physical language seems to be focused on shaking parents out of a stupor, but he does draw a correlation between the use of physical discipline and a child learning how to obey. Which leads into the next question…

Intended Audience

From what I can gather, Tim’s intended audience are embattled American parents. Externally, their government and society frown upon the use of physical discipline, influencing them to ignore the long-standing practice; internally, their weak resolve prevents them from consistently enforcing their children’s obedience by physical means. Tim desires to bolster parent’s resolve to enforce discipline out of love for their children and to be bold in defense of their actions before the world.

Shared Purpose

Tim and I share much in common. We both long for our children to reap the benefits of listening and obeying all that Jesus commands. We both fear that our society’s influence on us and our children will do irreparable harm to everyone involved. At the road’s end, we both want our children to grow into individuals who are eager to listen to God’s voice, submissive to his commands, and resistant to contrary voices. So let’s go back to the question, “How does God require obedience?”

Does God Enforce Obedience?

The first opportunity to learn about God’s approach to obedience is in Genesis 3, when humanity disregards gods wisdom for a lie. The LORD has given humans a command, “don’t eat fruit from this tree” and a consequence, “you will die.” Then what happens?

If Tim and Bryan were retelling the story, God might demonstrate his love for humanity by stepping in to enforce their obedience. Maybe grab ahold of Eve’s hand before she bites, or shout “STOP!”. But He doesn’t.

Instead, the LORD God calls to humans after they’ve disobeyed, engages them in conversation, questions their actions and elaborates on the subsequent consequences. He also supplies more than consequences; He gives them a promise that He will give humans victory over their deceiver.

We’re Saying the Same Thing

The rhetoric gets heated on this subject, probably from fear and discomfort. Parenting is a mighty task not lightly undertaken. At the root, I don’t think Tim believes that physical discipline actually enforces obedience; I suspect he only wants parents to be consistent in making and executing consequences and not throw physical means out the window because the government says so. However, I’m not sure he’s fully confronted how unforced the LORD’s treatment of humanity is portrayed in the Bible or how little the Bible directly addresses our questions about parenting and discipline, physical and otherwise.

My Perspective

It would not be fair to Tim if I questioned his perspective without offering more of my own to critique.

I agree that enforced consequences are crucial for the well-being of my children. When I have established both a command, “Graham pick up your toys,” and a consequence, “or you will lose access to them until tomorrow,” then it’s in our mutual interest to remove Graham’s toys when he does not obey. If I do not follow through, he infers that sometimes there are no consequences. This typically leads to more disobedience as he tests whether I’m setting a real boundary or only an idle threat. I wish to be as consistent as the LORD in supplying consequences and as merciful in being present with him as he bears the consequences with patient endurance.

I disagree that physical discipline is an approach worth fighting to uphold. On a personal level, while I can theorize that parents exist who always supply “restrained, physical discipline that is done out of love and never tips into abuse,” I get too irate to promise myself I’ll never tip over. I’m also playing the long game, and I don’t see physical discipline as a viable option as my children become too big for me to wrangle or as an effective approach in the reformation of adults.

In summary, I do not believe that obedience can be enforced, only consequences. I don’t fully understand why the LORD does not enforce His commands directly, but I trust His policy is good even as I groan under the combined weight of both centuries-old consequences and those solely brought upon by my own foolhardy decisions. I do not entertain physical discipline because I am restraining myself for my children’s sake, and because it has an abysmal track record in the long-term.

Final Comment

One last comment. There exist scenarios where the use of physical means does equate with love. When my son walks blindly into the street it is parental love to pluck him up and carry him out of harm’s way (and give him a stern talk and establish a consequence afterward). Some consequences, like being hit by a car, are my loving responsibility to shield him from until his brain develops enough to make his own choices about safety.

I’m eager to learn how I can assist my children (and myself for that matter) to delight in obedience to Jesus. What have you found helpful?